Hogwarts is Actually Your Mother
by TenfoldBeing
Summary: Starring: Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Hannah Abbot, Terry Boot, the Bush of Death and a particular colony of ants. Nothing is the same, once you embrace the power of the Sorting Hat. And remember: the tentacles are watching.


The anger roiled in Draco's grey eyes as he stood, with arms folded and feet planted in a defensive stance, in front of his enemy. It was a reasonably sunny day that day, with a few wispy clouds cavorting across the sky, but Draco scowled. The lines around his mouth tightened; he took a breath as if to speak.

A few first years roared past, howling fit to wake the stared at them, aghast, noting their green and silver crests on their robes. Shameful! Snorting, he waited for them to pass, sighing all the while with his nose in the air.

Sneezing and choking, he whirled on his foe.

"See?" he hissed, leaning forward to glare. "You attracted those miscreants. I told you! Do you not know that a Malfoy is always right?!

His companion did nothing, and he jabbed a finger in their direction. Deciding not to draw his wand, he settled for furiously frowning. "You," he spat, "have and excess of oestrogen within your system."

After this pronouncement, the one he faced did nothing but sigh, shifting slightly.

"I heard you perfectly the first time," grumbled the Bush of Death. "I KNOW I have a lot of testosterone within me; I don't need to be told again."

Draco could do nothing but gawp and glance furtively around to check that none of the little snot-nosed kids were spying on him.

"Oestrogen," he corrected, taking yet another step forward. The Bush of Death didn't move, instead choosing to stay where they were in smug satisfaction.

"Seriously," they chided, "you need to calm down. If you want my advice… Draco, I think it's your time of the month."

In response to that, the boy let out a guttural scream, turning to sweep his gaze across the landscape.

It was in a small courtyard some ways away from the rabble of other students, that he first found the Bush of Death - or rather, Bod.

In a rare bid to get away from his lackeys, Crabbe and Goyle, he had secreted himself away in the shade of a rather odd-looking bush… After that, his life changed forever.

Jolting back to the present, he took a second to reorientate himself, before his scorn landed back on Bod.

"It's YOU that needs to calm down!" he roared, a twig snapping beneath his foot to emphasise his fury. YOU are the emotional one in this relationship!"

"For the last time," Bod rustled, "it is TESTOSTERONE!"

"OESTROGEN!"

"TESTOSTERONE!"

"OESTRO-"

"Shut up!" The cry came from neither Draco nor Bod, but instead from what appeared to be a girl that stood behind them. As one - though not quite, because Draco did not possess the simple coolness as Bod - they took in the speaker.

"Weaslette?" Draco's eyes widened to such an extent that tears were produced. Irritably and with the touch of a pink blush staining his cheeks, he wiped them away.

The Weasley girl folded her arms. "Malfoy," she grumbled back, only the hint of a snarl on her features. What was up with her?

"Ginevra?" To Draco's consternation, Bod appeared to perk up at this.

"You…" Draco could not not even formulate a response. "HER?!" He raised his hands, moving them around helplessly.

"Oh, get over it," Ginny snapped. "Voldemort-" Draco still flinched at the name "-has been defeated, you dolt. I'm not a blood traitor to you anymore, unless you are still buying into that Pureblood bullshit?"

"Tsk, tsk, Weaslette; you should know I am a good little boy now-"

"ENOUGH!" A bush could actually be quite formidable, once you got past the leaves. "My chlorophyll is begging for some more sunlight, and a… Change of pace…"

"That's what she said," muttered Ginny, which earned her an unwilling snigger from Draco.

"Sooooo," chimed Bod, "How about-"

"I know!" Draco exclaimed, staring at Ginny and Bod in turn. Bod sighed in consternation, but their leaves shuffled in anticipation to hear Draco's plan. Perhaps if Draco and Ginny teamed up… That could yield some interesting results.

"I don't even WANT to know how the hell you guys know each other."

"Long story," Ginny mumbled.

"I wouldn't ordinarily like to work with the likes of you," Draco continued, putting enough derision into his tone to make Ginny bristle. "However, we've both changed as a result of Bod."

"How the hell do you know I'VE changed?" Ginny's face was guarded; Draco cackled at the sight of it.

"I can feel it in your aura," he whispered. "But I digress," he said to the wide-eyed Ginny.

"You do?" she grumbled.

"I propose a… Slight change to our lives, in future. I am sure, for an unfathomable reason, that this school deserves a bit of… Unwinding. As I am a cold-hearted bastard-" Bod sniggered at this - "I will your joint help to achieve this… `Insanity."

"I'm in, as long as your mood swings don't get in the way." Bod guffawed at this, missing the murderous glare that Draco sent them.

"If only to see people's reactions, and to terrify my brothers," Ginny agreed. "I'm in, Ferret Boy."

"Where in Merlin's palace did you learn that accursed nickname?" Draco could not even muster up the will to be put out.

"I have my sources," Ginny grinned mysteriously, sticking out both of her hands. "Here's to driving little children's minds to ruin."

"When you put it like that…" Draco joined his hand with Ginny's, taking one of Bod's leaves in the other, and shook on it.

"Remember," warned Bod, "The tentacles are watching."


End file.
